Every mother has a birth story. But not all stories are the same and what one mother may experience as stressful, another may experience as traumatic. We all come into our birth experiences with different expectations, hopes, philosophies, and plans for how the event may unfold. But when the narrative goes offline, feelings surrounding the birth of a child can be hard to deal with.
As I support many mothers with birth trauma, I thought it might be helpful to start a discussion around birth stories. My goal is not only to raise awareness of birth trauma, but to facilitate healing through supporting each other.
For those that may be sensitive to triggers that may arise from birth stories, know that, in this instance, both mother and baby were physically healthy. If you choose to stop reading to protect your mental health, this is more than acceptable and you know yourself best. This story was shared with permission from my friend.
A few years ago I had a friend experiencing her first pregnancy. She’d found a midwife and doula team that aligned with her birthing goals. But halfway through the pregnancy they had to make a cross-country move. In her new location, midwives were far and few between. She settled on her best option provider and all seemed well.
At about 30 weeks, her fundal height, the distance from the pubic bone to top of the uterus, measured short. Her provider suggested an ultrasound and she and her husband grappled with the decision. Heartbeat and all other indicators looked good, was an additional ultrasound necessary? What decision, if any, would they make based on the information found?
Fearing the unknown, they decided to have the ultrasound. Results indicated that their baby, which measured small, most likely suffered from IUGR, intrauterine growth restriction. Further, the baby was breech, turned bottom-down. Her provider suggested following the baby every two weeks via ultrasound.
My friend did everything in her power to help her baby. She rested, she ate right, and tried many things to get the baby to turn around to face head-down. She laid upside down on an ironing board, she got massages, she went swimming, dropped hot wax on her feet, tried acupuncture and numerous exercises. Still, at the next ultrasound, the baby remained breech. And the measurements indicated she/he wasn’t growing.
At 36 weeks of pregnancy, their provider suggested a scheduled C-section. Heartbroken at the potential loss of her midwife and doula mediated birth experience, my friend researched and read, trying to make the best decision for her baby. In the end, they decided not to risk further harm to the baby and scheduled a C-section.
The C-section proceeded seamlessly. And out popped a healthy, eighteen inch 5lb 10 oz baby girl. Five pounds and 10 ounces? But they’d said the baby was only 4 lbs based on the ultrasound measurement. Do you mean my baby was perfectly fine? Would have likely been over 7 lbs at forty weeks? I could have incubated her four more weeks? Given her four more weeks of normal growth, heart, and lung maturation? Four more weeks to try to turn her bottom-down, avoiding a C-section, and potentially having a birth experience closer to the one we wanted?
Her baby experienced challenges nursing, but eventually thrived. But mother was furious and disillusioned. She felt sad and cheated, not only for herself, but her daughter. That had not been the welcome to the world that she wanted for her baby. And all of it was needless, pointless. She’d been robbed.
At 36 weeks, a baby can be +/- 1 lb from what they measure in ultrasounds. And they’d been wrong, really wrong. It broke my heart to see my friend struggle with the anger and depression that were the aftermath of her pregnancy and birth experience.
My friend felt so passionate that other mothers should not lose their birth experience she entered a doula program. When it came to her second pregnancy, she planned a home birth. Vaginal births after C-section could be risky in hospitals. But she bravely put everything in place for her home delivery. Personally, I was scared for her and her baby. But she was educated and had all her backups ready.
She birthed not only her 2nd, but also her 3rd daughter at home. Not to say everything went perfectly smoothly, but mother and babies were healthy, happy, and thrived. She had the experiences she wished, or as close thereto, for herself and her babies. After each birth, I rejoiced for her.
This story illuminates how even if our physical outcomes end positively, mentally we can be left damaged, and feeling broken. Getting support around the feelings about your pregnancy and birth experience is important. And telling yourself your story is not as bad because of x, y, or z, does not help. Talking helps. Talk with friends, family, and/or other moms. And if this isn’t enough, please seek professional help.
Prepartum and postpartum depression can take many forms. In some instances these are hormonal issues and can be addressed by a physician. In others, anti-depressants and/or talking to a professional can help. It is important for both mother, baby, and the whole family to seek help when you can’t cope with overwhelming anxiety or sadness.
If you’re comfortable share your birth story and/or feelings surrounding your birth story in the comments.
Reach out to River Root’s clinical team if you need to talk about your birth trauma or may have been triggered in reading this post. We want to support you in a way that best meets your needs. Call us at 330-595-4575 or schedule here.
All the best,
Danielle Older, MSW, LISW-S, CCTP
Owner/Therapist
330-595-4575
River Root Counseling, LLC
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A licensed and certified counselor, as well as a licensed instructor, Danielle values the therapeutic relationship and works to make each session beneficial and helpful for her clients. Danielle is a mother herself, and understands the roller coaster that parenting and motherhood can sometimes feel like. She is also the founder of River Root Counseling. Her therapeutic style is individual, evidence-based, and unique to best serve each individual client. Danielle will work with you, at your pace, cheering you on and empowering you as you accomplish your therapeutic goals.