So you utilized effective communication to set a boundary, and the recipient didn’t like it. Now what?
It’s not uncommon for there to be pushback when you set a boundary or utilize effective communication, especially when it is new. You are starting to change the dynamics of your relationship with the other person, and change can be very uncomfortable (for both of you)! At the same time, discomfort is necessary for growth, and healthy relationships can take work.
When you express yourself effectively, the other person may not like what you have to say. As mentioned in a previous blog post, it can be extremely valuable and important to listen to the other person and hear their perspective. This may change how you feel about the situation you are communicating about, and it also might not.
If your perspective shifts after you hear the other person out, collaborating with them on a shared plan of action or negotiating on next steps can be extremely helpful.
But, you still might have the same thoughts even after hearing the other person out, and that is okay, too.
As we explore this topic a little further, we will bring up the earlier example of setting a boundary with a family member who wants to be present at your child’s birth. Your assertive communication response to their request was as follows: “I am glad that you are so excited to meet my baby! After consideration, I have decided that my partner will be the only one there during the birth. I will be happy to reach out to you when we are settled at home and ready for visitors and am looking forward to you meeting each other.”
Pushback from the family member may look like whining, continually trying to convince you otherwise, complaining, ignoring you, or even name-calling. What can you do in this instance? What does this mean?
First of all, it is important to remember that you are not in control of anyone’s responses to your communication. Your family member has the option of responding in a multitude of different ways, and whatever they choose is in no way a reflection of you and does not mean that you need to change your boundary. In fact, holding your boundary can be the most healthy thing for your relationship long-term as it is less likely to lead to resentment and burnout.
So what can you do in this instance? You can listen, validate, and restate.
We know that listening is important with healthy communication, and this is no exception. If you have heard their concerns out, you can communicate this to them: “I understand you feel hurt/angry/upset about not being at my child’s birth. It seems like this was a really difficult thing to hear, and I recognize that this is not your preference.” You can validate how they are feeling and let them know that you understand that this is hard for them.
Remember that assertive communication takes both of your wants and needs into account. Feel free to communicate this to them as well: “We have made this decision after thought and consideration, and although I recognize that it is your preference to be there, it is important for my partner and I to have the space and time to ourselves as new parents. We will reach out when we are ready for visitors.” A brief restatement of your thought process and boundaries would be appropriate and can be helpful in clarifying the boundary; however, you are not indebted to continue explaining yourself repeatedly to your family member. You are also not responsible for an apology for setting a boundary. You put thought into your decision before you made it, and have effectively communicated it to them. It is now their responsibility to determine their response.
In health,
Denise Vukmanovich
Denise is one of River Root Counseling’s therapists. Denise’s therapeutic style is collaborative, individualized, and client-focused. She believes that you, as the client, have the answers that you need to solve the problems that you face, and will guide you to find out what they are, providing support and resources along the way. Denise believes that you are the expert of your own life, and strives to fully, accurately, and compassionately understand and connect with each of her clients.
Denise is accepting new clients for daytime openings.
Learn more about Denise and contact her here.