Motherhood can feel chaotic, busy, and full of surprises at times. Other times, motherhood can feel incredibly vulnerable in that it often feels like we have no control over anything. Our schedule, our food, our sleep, to name a few things. Having control in motherhood can sometimes feel so unattainable, it leaves us feeling hopeless, lost, or confused. This blog post will share new perspective on a therapeutic concept called the “circle of control” – a weird concept to think about, yet an incredibly valuable one for a parent who feels like nothing is in control.
Oftentimes we can find ourselves frustrated with situations, people, or ourselves when things don’t go as expected. We have negative thoughts about what this might mean about us, and cognitive distortions can run rampant. (For more information on cognitive distortions, see the blog post on negative filters. https://riverrootcounseling.com/negative-filters/
One helpful tool for combating these feelings and thoughts is called the Circle of Control, shown below:
The circle of control
We do have 100% control over some things in our lives (yes, this does include some things regarding control in motherhood!). For example, we have complete control over our actions. We decide how we respond to what someone says, what we spend our money on, how we vote, and what we do in our free time. We can decide whether we engage someone in a fight and how we parent our children.
The Circle of Influence
There are some things we have influence over, but don’t have complete control over. Some examples include promotions, where we live, the outcome of an election, and your home environment.
Let’s take the example of your home environment into account. You can control your actions: whether you do laundry, the things you bring into your home, whether you vacuum/garden/do any other home task, but you cannot control others’ actions which affect your environment. You cannot control your partner’s decisions in the home: how much time they spend doing chores, or if your toddler dumps a basket of toys on the floor. You have some degree of influence over your home, but as long as other people are living there as well, you cannot completely control it.
Circle of Concern
This is a classification for the things that matter to you and/or affect you, but that you don’t have any control over. The weather, other people, interest rates, and your own past decisions are examples of this. No matter how much effort or worrying you put into them, you cannot change these.
How can this apply to your life?
Take an inventory of the things that are bothering you. Where do they fall in these categories? Is there anything that you can control, and if so, what can you do about it? If you can’t control it, is there something that you can do to influence it? And if you cannot control or influence it, what can you do to practice acceptance of it? While the things that concern you may be very important to you, worrying about them and spending time trying to control them is unhelpful and ultimately fruitless. They will be what they are, and you deserve peace from them.
If you find yourself struggling with this frequently, we would love to talk with you about it and help you focus more on the things that are in your control.
Denise Vukmanovich, MA, LPC
Perinatal Therapist – River Root Counseling
For more information or to schedule an appointment, call 330-595-4563