A challenge that arises after giving birth and raising a family is carving out time to spend with your spouse/partner. Many situations and aspects of parenthood make intimacy and quality time difficult to accomplish.
Reasons why intimacy may be a challenge for you…
- Maybe you went through a traumatic birth experience and the thought of being intimate is scary to you even after “the 6-week clearance”
- Maybe you both are exhausted or sleep-deprived from having a newborn
- Maybe as a mother, you are feeling “touched out” and the thought of being intimate makes your skin crawl
- Maybe as a couple, your jobs are demanding and time-consuming so any time you have with your family you try to spend it all together
- Maybe you feel you have lost your connection because life has been crazy overall
Whether your struggles are listed above or there are other reasons specific to you, you are not alone. Many individuals who have sought counseling discuss this struggle in their relationship. They miss it, are mourning it, or are unsure how to get their connection back to how it once was.
Tips and tricks to reconnect with spouse/partner
- COMMUNICATE-share with your partner thoughts, feelings, struggles of becoming a parent, and changes within yourself
- Carve out specific date nights. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it is okay to have a date night and connect with your partner; it shows your children you love each other and that having a healthy relationship is important
- If childcare is a concern or unavailable, have a date night in the evening after the children go to bed – play a game, do an activity together, give massages, etc.
- Try couples therapy. No one knows how life will change after having children until you have them. If there are aspects of your relationship that you are struggling with, it is okay to talk with a professional about thoughts, feelings, and the changes the two of you can make to better your relationship.
- Laugh together – watch a comedy, look at old pictures of yourselves together, be goofy
As a therapist that works with the perinatal population, there are different interventions used throughout the therapeutic process that can help with intimacy difficulties. (some but not all are listed below)
- Person-Centered Therapy can be used to validate, normalize, and overall support your thoughts and feelings about parenthood and balancing family life
- EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) can be used to work through a traumatic birth experience or specific negative beliefs about being a mother or partner
- CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) can take a look at thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in your life and challenge negative beliefs as well as provide coping skills
- Psychoeducation on healthy communication skills and practice using skills can be completed during sessions
It can feel as if your connection with your partner is lost, but having to adjust and make changes in your relationship is normal after having kids and there is a possibility your relationship will grow to be even stronger. Time, communication, and teamwork can do wonders. Please reach out if you need help or if intimacy and quilty time is a struggle in your current relationship.