Talking About Your Needs with Your Significant Other After Welcoming a Baby
Having a new baby in your life brings many changes. Many of these are positive, the joy in welcoming your new child, the love you feel that him or her. But some may feel negative and unwelcome. In addition to sleep depravation, exhaustion, feeling overwhelmed, and sometimes helpless, you have less time alone and with you significant other. Partners too experience some of these frustrations, but each of you may also have different reactions.
Even if you’ve discussed things like breastfeeding, sleep schedule, and primary care giver arrangements before the birth, these sometimes shift once the baby arrives. And when you’ve gotten little sleep or are frustrated, tensions can boil over. I’ve gathered some pointers on how to talk to a significant other to get the help you need.
Understanding what each person may be going through can go a long way to helping communication. The secondary care giver may feel helpless and frustrated, experience more conflict and less freedom. They may feel left out and isolated, tend to withdraw and perhaps become depressed.
While the primary care giver may feel these as well, they may also feel unsupported or a lack of understanding from their partner. Remember that roles and tasks can be renegotiated at any time. Be flexible and evolve as your baby grows.
Having the secondary caregiver have one on one time with baby and spending time together as a couple can help ease negative emotion. Also time together as a couple is key. Make time to have a date night each week, even if it’s just a special dinner at home. When safe, move towards regaining physical intimacy. But above all, communication must be productive.
There are so many things to think about and conflict may be more likely during stressful times. Communication becomes key through any high emotion situation, and having a newborn is no different. So how do you talk to your partner about needs and wants when both of you may be feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and frustrated?
- Recognize and allow yourself to have needs. See these as valid and worthwhile. Some of these may not be physical. Emotional support after the birth of your child is just as important.
- Realize that you’re most likely to get needs met when you’re clear about what the needs are. What exactly you want can be hard to pinpoint on little sleep. Make time for being alone at least a few minutes each day to get centered and think about your feelings. Mornings may be best so you have a fresh perspective.
- Get clear on what your needs are. Do you need them to watch the baby for an hour each day so you can exercise or talk to a friend. Do you need more time with them? Do you need help with diaper changes, night feedings, baths? Do you feel lonely and miss them? Do you want more time with your partner?
- Talk to your partner about yourself, your needs, and your emotions. Be open and vulnerable in sharing your needs. Do not be critical of what they are or are not doing. When you share your needs and desires from a place of wanting to express your feelings and move into a healthier and happier relationship for both you, your partner, and your family, the other person will be more responsive.
There may be some schedule or role changes needed. Be flexible and keep sharing what works and what doesn’t. Each partner may need that alone time in their day. But beware of withdrawal. Take care of yourself and take care of each other. Make sure to get in those date nights.
And above all, think about the big picture. Yes, there will be sleepless nights when the baby is up all night crying, but it won’t be forever. As long as you are both working on being open and committed to making your relationship and family priority, then sometimes you just have to put your head down and get through the rough patches. One thing I learned about kids is that everything changes. Give it a day, a week, and it will be different. You’ll have a new challenge in the next phase, but being resilient with communication can keep your bond growing too.
Danielle Older, MSW, LISW-S, CCTP
Danielle is one of our maternal mental health therapists and the founder of River Root Counseling. Her therapeutic style is individual, evidence-based, and unique to best serve each individual client. Danielle will work with you, at your pace, cheering you on and empowering you as you accomplish your therapeutic goals. Danielle values the therapeutic relationship and works to make each session beneficial and helpful for her clients. Danielle is a mother herself, and understands the roller coaster that parenting and motherhood can sometimes feel like.
Licensed Independent Social Worker with Supervision Designation (Ohio) – I.2002068-SUPV
Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP)
Bachelor’s of Social Work – University of Akron
Master’s in Social Work – Edinboro University of Pennsylvania
Schedule a consultation here. Client Portal: https://danielleolder.clientsecure.me/sign-in