In my previous blog post, we discussed “checking the facts” of a situation to make sure that your emotions match up with what is happening around you. I would recommend that you read that post before moving forward with this one: here we will talk about what to do if your emotions and their intensity do not match up to the situation.
It is important to recognize that emotions do play a critical role in our lives, and are very helpful when responded to appropriately! For example, if you are feeling guilty about something, this guilt motivates you to seek forgiveness or repair whatever mistakes may have happened. Anger motivates us to make a change in our situation. These are helpful and important to do if you have truly wronged someone or if your anger is justified.
Oftentimes though, we can get carried away in what our emotions and bodily responses are telling us, and act solely on their cues. This is when checking the facts comes in handy: do our emotions match up to the situation? If so, proceed with caution (while also considering logic). If not though, what can you do?
When our emotions do not match up to the situation, one solution is to “act opposite.” Change your words, body, and behaviors to the opposite of what your emotions are telling you to do.
Let’s walk through this with a couple of different emotions. For example, you may experience guilt when you spend time away from your baby engaging in a self-care activity. Does this emotion match the facts? You are most likely spending a good deal of time with your child already and can recognize that taking care of yourself has beneficial effects not only for yourself but also for your child and family as a whole. Your guilt doesn’t match. Acting opposite would look like ceasing to apologize to your partner or your child’s caretaker (even if they haven’t complained), smiling when you leave the house, and continuing to spend time caring for yourself. As time goes on, and as you continue to act the opposite of the guilt that you feel, that guilt will decrease.
You may experience anger if you and your partner disagree on a parenting topic. You might feel hot, defensive, and ready to attack with your opinions and thoughts. The opposite action for this emotion would look like softening your face and words, behaving kindly, and showing curiosity towards your partner’s thoughts. It may also look like taking a brief break from the conversation.
Here are some suggestions for acting opposite for other emotions, should they not match with your situation:
Depression (sadness, lack of motivation/activity)—> get yourself up and moving and engaging in activities that do bring you joy.
Anxiety (fear, panic, avoidance) —> face your fears.
Shame (hiding, secrecy) —> use confident body posture, and share what is contributing to the shame with others.
Disgust (avoidance, rejection) —> move towards what makes you feel disgusted, and push through the uncomfortable situation.
I recognize that it is one thing to type out helpful responses to unhelpful emotions, and another thing entirely to implement them! Opposite action is not easy–doing anything that goes against what our emotions tell us to do can feel strange and uncomfortable. This is a practice and requires very intentional, committed thinking and behavioral changes. I encourage you to please extend compassion towards yourself as you practice these skills, and remember that it will become easier with time.
With the help of checking the facts and opposite actions, you do not need to let your emotions have an unhelpful amount of power over your behaviors. You can recognize them and then decide logically how you would like to respond, and you can experience greater freedom and peace!