Beyond Exhaustion, Biggest Challenges New Moms Face

You may have had friends and literature prepare you for many challenges you may face as a new mother. But what are those that you may not have on your radar after birth of your baby? I’ve complied a list of 9 issues new mothers may find themselves grappling with after welcoming their newborn. I’ve listed these in no particular order and new parents experience each in different ways.

#1 – Almost all new mom get the blues

Most new moms may not experience true of postpartum depression with prolonged feelings of hopelessness, although about 10 to 20 percent of do. But most women will go through a brief period of feeling blue for a few days or weeks after giving birth. Before the birth you’re excited to meet your new baby, but once he or she is here reality and fears set in. This can happen due to hormonal changes no matter how much you planned or how rock-solid you thought your self-esteem was. You’re exhausted and your partner is as well. You may feel overwhelmed and terrified at doing something wrong. Hormones, exhaustion, and a major life event are bound to have you feeling a little shell-shocked and disillusioned. It’s normal so make sure to acknowledge your feelings, talk about them, and seek help if the feelings don’t go away. Chances are you’ll be nursing or feeding, changing diapers, and swaddling like a pro, and feeling like one too, in no time.

#2 – Loss of Spontaneity

Before baby whenever you wanted to go anywhere you grabbed your keys, wallet, perhaps a jacket, and off you went. No more. Now you have to think about when the baby needs to eat, feed, nap, and/or be changed. And even the best laid plans can get spoiled by a spit-up, random cold, or change to the baby’s sleeping habits. Especially if you’re a new mom it can be frustrating. You may not feel you can leave the new baby alone. It’s important you do get time to yourself and with your significant other alone, without the worry of paying attention to a baby monitor. Find someone you can trust and schedule time to be away for your own mental health and your relationship with your SO.

#3 – Your Relationship with Your SO Changes

Maybe you are angry they get to go to a real job, talk with real adults, or feel that they’re not picking up their slack after the birth. You may even have feelings of hate for your partner who seems to have gotten the easy end of the experience. Did I just say something about finding someone you can trust to help with the baby? (And have you watched Jane the Virgin on The CW? I keep thinking of Rogelio’s baby, named Baby, every time I type the word. Fun show, BTW, if you’re in need of some new mommy humor.) But I digress. Prior to baby’s birth, you and your partner were most likely the most important person to each other. Now, there is another person who is even more important to both of you. You are mom or dad first, then wife, partner, husband, or SO, second. And, especially in the beginning, sleep will be priority #2 after taking care of your newborn. The relationship with your SO will morph and grow. It is important to talk about these changes and feelings each person may have. Stresses on a relationship can be magnified and ability to get time to unwind as a couple can be challenging. But it is important for your relationship that you do make the time for each other.

#4 – Loss of Identity

With birth of a baby, you (and your child’s father/mother) gain a new identity. You are a mom and will forever be a mom. Especially the first few weeks, the baby’s needs take precedent and you may rarely, if at all, think of your own. You may find yourself weeks after the birth thinking who am I? What am I doing? Where do I want to go? And is this all there is? Endless diaper changes? Two AM feedings? Especially if you’re a stay-at-home parent, these feelings can be scary. You’ve given up you as being number one and handed over that role to another being. The trick is to mourn if you need, think about your new role, and decide how being a parent works best for you. Some parents decide being at home is what they want to do. But for others, it’s not how they can best be happy. Weigh all the factors and make the best choice for you and your family. Happy parents make happy kids.

#5 – Thinking You Have to be Perfect

Before birth of your baby, I am guessing you read a lot. What to expect, baby stages and development, all the books everyone suggested, and more. But reality can be sobering. Maybe you have trouble breastfeeding or perhaps the baby has allergy issues. It’s impossible to be prepared for everything, especially the overwhelming feelings that come with changing hormone levels. There is no right way or wrong way to do it, no matter what your mother, or friend, or sister, or brother has to say. It’s okay to figure it out along the way. Find things that work for you, your baby, and family, and stick to them. And don’t compare yourself. You have no idea what the mom in the coffee shop had to go through to have perfect hair. And if having that amazing hairdo, perhaps the only day in the past month, is helping her get through the next week.

#6 – Job Changes

Thinking about being a parent and being a parent are two different things. You may feel completely different when you bring your baby home. And you may continue to change your perspective on staying home with your child versus working in the first weeks and months after having your baby. Its okay to wait and see how you feel about a job. Maybe you want to work part-time. Maybe you need the full-time stimulation. If you’re in a situation where your income is important, then these choices can be hard. You may need to grieve the loss of time with your baby or the loss of outside stimulation.

#7 – Feeling Fat

Extra weight from pregnancy can be slow to shed. In the beginning you’re exhausted and your body needs to heal. After that the baby can start to take more and more of your time. The pace of your weight loss can seem exceedingly slow. Plus, your body just isn’t the same as before. There are curves and folds where there weren’t before. If your body shape is important to you, try to prioritize it. Being happy in your own skin can have mental as well as physical health benefits. Fitness may be part of your me time that feeds your bucket.

#8 – Having Patience

It takes a lot of patience to take care of a newborn. You may have long days or nights when the baby doesn’t sleep, or cries, seemingly for no reason. At times it may feel like you just can’t take caring for your baby for one more minute. In many cases this is fatigue. If you aren’t getting proper rest it’s almost impossible to not let your frustration overwhelm you. If you have trouble with getting enough rest, try to readjust your schedule. Have your partner, a friend, or family member watch the baby while you rest. And don’t feel guilty. Everyone loses patience from time to time, even with those they love the most.

#9 – Loneliness… Where are My Friends?

After the birth of your baby it is likely that you will lose some friends or ability to spend time with them. And if you’re staying home you lose the social aspect of the workplace. There may be some in your friend group who are the “we don’t do kids” type. This can be hard, sad, and feel like a big loss. But there will be those friends who may become closer. And you will most likely make new friends. I can attest to the bond new motherhood forms. When you are in the same place at the same time and can share the ups and downs, wonderful friendships are forged, for you and probably your children. So embrace the friends who stay close, put time into the relationships that are most important. While you may still care about other friends, give yourself, and them, permission to not be as close, and room for that to be okay. And remember, your baby won’t be a newborn forever. Gradually you will gain more and more freedom.

This article may seem like lots of loss, freedom, identity, relationships, and accepting change, not things all people embrace with joy. But the first time your child grasps your finger, smiles at you, laughs at a game of peek-a-boo, makes their first sound, says their first word, chances are your heart will melt and grow forty sizes. You’ll realize you have room for it all. It will just look a little different than before.

If feelings of being overwhelmed, lonely, dissatisfied, or sadness persist talk with your physician or a counselor. Postpartum depression in almost all cases is treatable and temporary. Medication and therapy can lessen symptoms and help your overall mental health.

Contact me or the following for help or more information.

National Institute of Mental Health
301-496-9576
www.nimh.nih.gov

The National Women’s Health Information Center, Office on Women’s Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
800-994-9662
www.4woman.gov/faq/postpartum.htm

In health, Danielle Older, MSW, LISW-S, CCTP, Owner/Therapist

River Root Counseling, LLC – Phone 330-595-4575

Client Portal: https://danielleolder.clientsecure.me/sign-in

Photo credit: Photo by Standsome Worklifestyle on Unsplash