The Good Enough Mother
Am I a good enough mother? Wow, the weight this question holds is HEAVY. This is a common, frequent thought for so many of us moms out there. Whether you are pregnant, postpartum, have teens, or have adult children, this thought is likely still lingering somewhere in the back of our heads.
This question is genuine, authentic, and truly comes from a place of love. As moms, we naturally want the best for our kids. We want to provide them the best upbringing, in everything from faith, to education, to love, support, and more. As moms, we hold the weight of raising these little lives into adulthood (alongside fathers or other caregivers, of course). We feel the thickness of being responsible for how they “turn out.” This is a heavy weight to hold, and when we “fail” as mothers, it can be devastating, to say the least. It can cause a great deal of stress and inner turmoil as a mom.
But sit with me for a minute: hear me out in this.
You ARE The Good Enough Mother
The concept of being a “good enough mother” has actually been around for years, and believe it or not, you are likely doing better than you think.
The concept of the “good enough mother” actually comes from the year 1953, by a pediatrician named Donald Winnicott. Dr. Winnicott coined the phrase of the “good enough mother” and observed this in thousands of babies over the years he worked as a pediatrician. Dr. Winnicott actually found that babies and children benefit when their mothers fail them in manageable ways. When mom misses the mark, this is actually a good thing. Now, I’m not talking about major failures such as child abuse or neglect, of course.
When our babies are infants, they require around the clock, 24/7 care. This is to be expected and is part of this season of life. This is normal, and helps our babies to understand that they are safe and secure in their caregivers’ care. But as our babies grow older, the concept of the “good enough mother” really comes into play. Children need their mothers to “miss the mark” in small, manageable ways, such as giving the child divided attention, or when we wait a minute and finish the dishes before getting the toys out to play. Through this, we are setting our children up for success in a society that will frustrate and disappoint them from time to time.
The Perfect Mother Does Not Exist
Even in the best of circumstances, no mother is perfect. So when we set the bar so high at this level, we are ultimately setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment. No mother can be perfect 24/7 in her motherhood journey. However, if this is the expectation, then we will often miss this mark leading to further mom guilt and disappointment in ourselves.
Even if you could be the perfect mom, it still would be a losing situation for your child. Your children will be in for a bit of a rude awakening as they grow up into adulthood and start to have greater interactions with the outside world. This would lead to a child who is delicate, fragile, and unable to handle the slightest disappointments the world undoubtedly will bring. No mom wants this for her children.
By striving to be “good enough” as a mom, we are ultimately setting both ourselves as mothers and our children up for success. We are meeting our child’s needs developmentally, socially, emotionally, and physically, and we are getting it “right” most of the time. But the good enough mother concept provides a level of grace and extends compassion to ourselves when we do miss the mark, and in turn our children bounce back and learn. We are setting ourselves up for success in minimizing mom guilt and beating ourselves up, and we are setting our littles up for success in preparing them to one day leave the bird’s nest.
In conclusion, my hope is that this post provided greater insight into your individual journey of motherhood. My hope is that this post reframed some of the expectations and thoughts you have for yourself as another, encouraging you to set realistic and attainable goals for yourself, knowing sometimes you will “miss the mark” but you WILL bounce back quickly and your children will be better off for it. Know that even the best of moms can never be perfect, but they are most definitely good enough, and they are rockstars in the eyes of their little ones.
As always, if you have questions about this post or any of its content, please reach out to River Root Counseling.