5 Ways to Improve Communication with Your Partner
Earlier this month we shared a post on Effective Communication and different styles of communication. But how can you move your communication from passive and/or aggressive to open and assertive to keep relationships healthy?
Tenets for Improving Communication
We’ve gathered five tenets for improving communication in a relationship.
Practice Listening
It may seem obvious, but listening is the cornerstone of good communication. Especially in emotional or high stakes conversations we may be thinking about how we will respond to what is being said rather then really listening to what the other person is telling us. Make it a point to focus on the person, be patient, and listen. Pay attention to their words as well as nonverbal cues.
Instead of reacting right away to something your partner says take a minute to digest it. Clarify by using phrases like “What I hear you saying is…” or “I interpreted what you said to mean…”. This can help keep you both on the same page and help prevent unproductive arguments.
Match Verbal Cues to Nonverbal Cues
We’ve all been in a situation where the person we’re talking to says “Sure!” with a grimace on their face. This puts the listener in a situation where they must choose whether to proceed, and probably make the other person mad, or bow out even though they would rather move forward with what they wanted to do.
If you have challenges in communicating with your partner or aren’t comfortable with confrontation and often acquiesce even when you don’t want to, then you probably are giving off unmatched verbal and nonverbal cues. To remedy this when you’re feeling unsure, and maybe even angry, use phrases like “I’m not sure how I’m feeling right now. Can we talk about it once I get more clarity?” or “This is too fresh for me right now. Can we talk about it once I’ve had a minute to digest it?”. These statements give both parties time to think about how they’re feeling and talk about it perhaps when the emotion isn’t so raw and moves conversation from a passive tone to an assertive one.
Get Comfortable with Anger
Sometimes we’re taught that being angry is wrong or negative. But anger is a normal human emotion that everyone experiences. And anger signals that we care. If something isn’t important to you, you don’t get angry about it. Anger can often be a secondary emotion when we’re feeling sad, hurt, fearful, or anxious. So taking time to figure out where your anger is coming from is a good practice.
Once you’re identified how you’re feeling then talking about this with your partner can look like saying “I was feeling angry about x but realized that I was afraid of y” or “I wanted to talk to you about x because it made me angry that you y, but really I got angry because I was hurt that you…”. Communicating your feelings in this way helps the person understand what is really bothering you and moves you out of that aggressive conversation mode.
Differentiate Between Thoughts and Feelings
Sometimes we confuse what we’re thinking with how we’re feeling. When we jump in and say the first thing that enters our mind, this is usually a thought. This can sound like “I feel like you don’t care about me anymore”. And while it can seem like you’re sharing your feelings, in actuality you’re responding to something the other person has done or expressed, you are thinking that they don’t care about you anymore and maybe feeling scared, sad, or hurt.
Instead of jumping in and responding with a first thought take a minute and express your feelings. You might say something like “I feel scared that you’re not as interested in me anymore when you’re on your phone when I’m talking to you”. This is telling the other person your feelings, that you are scared, instead of blaming them for an action. This moves the conversation from that aggressive style to assertive style.
Wait for the Right Time to Talk
Many times when something feels very big we want to talk about it right away, get our feelings out so we can move on. But trying to have an important conversation when there are distractions or other things pressing your time can lead to frustration on both sides. You might say to your partner “I have some feelings to discuss with you, is now a good time?” or “I need to talk to you about some things I’ve been feeling, when would be a good time?”.
Make sure not to put conversations off to long because then we can become overly anxious, angrier, and communication can get derailed by intense emotions. Putting off or not talking about issues can leave both people feeling disconnected. A good idea is for couple to plan a weekly date night that they can have undistracted one on one time to check in.
Bonus: Remember that it may take more than one conversation to resolve feelings. When talking about a big issue leaving the door open for future discussion can be very effective. Both parties may need time to explore their feelings about a situation and revisiting topics can lead to better solutions.
In health,
Danielle Older, MSW, LISW-S, CCTP
Danielle is one of our maternal mental health therapists and the founder of River Root Counseling. Her therapeutic style is individual, evidence-based, and unique to best serve each individual client. Danielle will work with you, at your pace, cheering you on and empowering you as you accomplish your therapeutic goals. Danielle values the therapeutic relationship and works to make each session beneficial and helpful for her clients. Danielle is a mother herself and understands the roller coaster that parenting, and motherhood, can sometimes feel like.
Licensed Independent Social Worker with Supervision Designation (Ohio) – I.2002068-SUPV
Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP)
Bachelor’s of Social Work – University of Akron
Master’s in Social Work – Edinboro University of Pennsylvania
For information and appointment call River Root at 330-595-4563.