Many of our emotions are related to our thoughts and interpretations of events that are happening around us, and they can also have a big effect on what we think about the events going on around us.
One helpful tool to examine our emotions and make sure that they truly do match the situation around us is “checking the facts.”
Our emotions are extremely valuable clues as to what is going on around us. For example, if we feel anxious, that might mean that it would be helpful to be more careful. But emotions are not facts: just because we do feel anxious, does not mean that there is necessarily something to be anxious about. Just because we feel embarrassed, does not mean that we are “stupid” or “embarrassing.”
I want to be clear here: your emotions are always valid, real, and important to recognize, and many times can be helpful clues. However, they may not be the most helpful to you in moving forward with different situations if they are not accurate to the event or justified. Checking the facts helps you think about the emotions you are having before you automatically react to them as truth.
Let’s check the facts to make sure our emotions support the truth of the situation!
- First, identify the emotion(s) that you would like to address. Is it anger? Sadness? Fear? Once you have identified the emotion you are experiencing, you can move forward. If you have trouble identifying emotions, a helpful tool to narrow them down is an emotion wheel. For example, you might be feeling angry at your partner, and recognize that under that angry feeling is fear.
- Explore the events around you that might be contributing to the emotion. Use your senses to describe the facts. Practice identifying any cognitive distortions that might be present and challenging them/reframing them. If you would like more information on distortions, check out our blog posts from August about negative filters and addressing negative filters. For example, you may think your partner never helps with childcare or house tasks. Check if this is truly the case; you may realize that your partner does help with some tasks daily and makes some attempts to be helpful around the house.
- Identify your interpretations of the facts about the situation. What are you assuming about the facts? You may be assuming that your partner does not want to take care of the house or childcare. Think of other possible interpretations, and practice looking from all points of view. What might be going on with your partner? Test your interpretations: do they fit the facts?
- Identify any threats you might be assuming about the situation. What about the situation is threatening to you, and what worrisome consequences are you expecting? Do you assume that your partner is not interested in helping because they are not interested in you, your child, or continuing your marriage? This would probably feel very threatening to you. Assess the probability that the event is truly going to occur. You may find it very unlikely that your partner is considering divorce or separation based on the facts of the situation.
- Ask: what’s the catastrophe? Imagine the catastrophe really occurring. Consider the scenario in which your partner left you, then imagine coping well with the catastrophe. While this would be extremely difficult, you would figure out a way to cope with it. You would find alternate support and would ultimately be okay. Remind yourself of the probability that this would happen in the first place–usually the probability a true catastrophe does happen is close to zero!
- Ask yourself if the emotion and its intensity fit the facts. Does the amount of anger and fear you are experiencing match up with the facts of the situation? Are the anger and fear justified? If not, explore ways to respond more logically to the situation. If so, use both your emotions and logic when addressing the problem you are seeing.
Checking the facts can be extremely beneficial when practiced regularly. Your emotions are tools that give you clues about your surroundings, and by checking the facts, you can make sure that you can use the best tools possible to address whatever may need adjustments in your life.